I said this semester was going to kill me; if such turns out to be true, I am now halfway deceased.
It feels good.
My brain, at times, feels as if it's about to burst--I am being tested in ways I never thought possible--I am enjoying my life in ways I never thought possible--I am, in many ways, not happy.
College is essentially high school, but with an enlarged portion of self-importance. College is some kind of pipe dream, something that high school seniors look up to--are scared of. It's not any different, guys. It's a little bit more time-consuming, class-wise--but you aren't going to find yourself suddenly fulfilled.
I reek of hypocrisy.
I am cynical now--in that I know exactly what it would take, what I would need, to be 100% happy with my life. I am stupidly certain of this. ("stupidly certain" could possibly be the most accurate way to describe my life in two words, by the way, haha)
It's this idea I have, that God maybe makes us as perfect as possible, then subtracts one key component, to make our lives a little bit more interesting. For some, God subtracts intelligence. That must be fun. For others, he subtracts common sense. For others, he subtracts identity. And so on. And for some people, he gives them everything but the ability to get along with people.
I have a very small comfort zone when it comes to social relationships. My circle of friends could hardly be considered a circle; it is far from encompassing 360 degrees. It's more like a dozen or less points, scattered arbitrary distances from me, me being in the middle. Haha, I would put myself in the middle.
Point being, I feel like my greatest challenge in my life is going to be dealing with people. The people close to me, the people far from me, the people I care about, the people I don't care about. In many cases I will struggle because I have a hard time facing the people I care about. I don't know how to read people. I don't know when to take risks. I don't know when to just have blind faith. Which I'm beginning to realize is important.
I'm a mess of things; my principle motivation system is based roughly on the following.
Romans 8:28:
"And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose."
And, to a lesser extent, Spiderman's uncle:
"With great power must come great responsibility."
An advertising slogan that Audi used at one point:
"Never follow."
And finally this general idea:
"Everything happens for a reason. Pay attention to circumstance." (Thanks, Dad)
So I would say that I live my life morally; I do what I think is right at the time. I feel that if you always do the right thing, things will sort themselves out. You will get what you need. I also believe in the importance of identity--in order to be a successful human being, you need not worry what other people think of you. You need to be confident about yourself; never fake. You should love being you. And you should never follow. And once you get that inner confidence, you should never abuse it. You should never use your inflated sense of importance to hurt other people. (I don't want to admit it, but I am guilty of this... I am sorry. I was younger. I was learning.)
Have you ever felt really bad because of one thing? Whenever I feel like that now, I try to think of everything in my life that has gone right. It goes back to that idea that God builds us, then takes away one vital part, so that we can learn. It's okay to know that we have one big problem, it drives us. It makes us go outside our comfort zone. It makes us learn.
I like to think of life as three L's: learn, laugh, love. Usually you laugh because of how much you suck at the other two. :)
I like to count my blessings sometimes. Because then I feel less mopey. Not to say that I am depressed; I am just perpetually aware of my flaws. My default state is to look at the glass as half-full, as it is more efficient: to single out what I hate about my life is much faster than to list everything I love about it. So in my desire to be efficient, I make myself feel terrible. Neat. Haha.
If you can't tell, college is very much about discovering yourself, and very little about classes. Class is there; it's not hard; it just takes time. What we learn at this point in our life is what we are missing, and what we need to do to get our life to the point where we aren't missing it any more.
I think, anyway.
I have to go study, and hope.
