I feel like I'm chained up.
Tight collar, back sweating, eyes red, head heavy.
You could cut the chain for me, but I wouldn't have anywhere to go.
Scorched earth.
That's what it feels like.
I guess it's school.
It's not school.
Where to next?
I want to start over.
I feel like everything I am, everything I'm built on, is holding me back. People aren't buildings. We don't need to be permanently attached to the ground; restrained by our foundations. Our foundations are thoughts, not things. Thoughts are easy to move. But, admittedly, difficult to change.
The journey is the reward.
When I don't know how to start a journey, I get depressed.
So I'll sit here, watching television; but, I am not learning anything new.
And that's fine, sometimes.
But lately I feel like I'm on the verge of something big. Bigger than me. And in order to do it I have to throw everything away. This computer. This car. This bicycle. This school.
Maybe that's too drastic.
I have time and money invested in these things. It would be foolish to throw them away. Sometimes we have to settle for "good enough" because if we didn't we wouldn't have the resources to have anything. So starting over is unrealistic.
I don't really know what I mean when I say "start over".
I guess I want my mind to not be shackled to the past. I want it to exist only in the present, because then I can be free. I can do things now, and not worry about the past.
But mistakes haunt me. And define my actions. That's their purpose, after all.
But why do I let things that happened six months ago, six years ago, block new, unrelated behavior in the present? Why am I scared to do things I haven't ever tried?
It's a fear I have to get over.
But in a lot of ways it's comfortable to stay where I am. Some people never grow up. It's easier. If I had stopped development when I was fifteen I'd fit in fine now. Hell, it would make watching Family Guy fun again.
The point I'm making is, I never want to feel like I've stopped learning. I never want to feel like I'm done. Because I never want to be done. I'd like to die right in the middle of doing something awesome. Because to be finished with life, with learning, with growing, with developing, and to wait it out till I die in a home is not what I want.
I think a reason people commit suicide is because they feel like they're done, and don't want to wait it out.
So I never want to be done. Because then I'd be dead.
Steve Jobs said something similar when someone asked when he was planning on retiring. I don't remember the exact quote, but it was like, "Working is my life." He'll never stop. He gets it.
I don't want to settle down. I don't want to become complacent. I want to keep reaching—ahem—for the stars.
But that means that I need to deal with making mistakes. Lots of them. Because mistakes are the best teacher.
So I'm conflicted here, in my current situation: I'm simultaneously struggling with the past, fighting to stay relevant in the present and making an increasing amount of regrettable decisions that affect the future. I guess that's just how it is.
I have to grow up, but do notice that the term "grow up" never suggests a stopping point. It's not like Modern Warfare 2 where you eventually hit a limit. In real life, you keep going up. If you care to.
A lot of people stop.
When you were a kid and you thought about being a grown-up, did you ever think you would stop?
You can answer that.
I'm going to steamroll ahead, and try to learn from the mistakes I'm making—and not feel too bad about making them. And try not to get held back by my possessions, which are sometimes attached to the earth, and difficult to move.
Because a few mistakes that keep me up at night are definitely better than giving up.
