Nearing the end

Christmas break is almost here, and I am only unsettled.

I don't want to go back home.

I like my microcosm; I like my little room full of junk and my bicycle outside latched to a steel ring; and, I like my neat routine and schedule, my to-do list taped to the back of my desk in red ink; I like my stack of textbooks on the floor; my folding of laundry while music plays in the background and I sing along, poorly.

I like breakfast with friends. Lunch with friends. Dinner with friends. Sitting in dorm rooms, awkwardly. The bad weather. The walks to class. The skateboarding late at night; the late at night bike rides. The tunnel to the rec. Basketball at the rec. Programming lectures and falling asleep. Chemistry lectures and falling asleep. Calculus lectures and waking up, if only to be alarmed, and falling asleep again.

My hand hurting from taking so many notes. My eyes red from days spent coding or writing lab reports on the computer. Six empty cans of soda around the room, a coffee pot that is on more than off.

I will miss these things.

Life is seemingly measured out in chunks of meaning; we work for a while, and then we are dunked into a bowl of nothing--we are wasted by this; we are pieces of filet mignon being submerged in mild salsa. We can exist at another level, but every few months, we are kicked out, told to go home--and I go back to a world I no longer feel I can be productive in.

Maybe it will be better, maybe what I've learned this semester will change how I see things back home. Back in Belton. Maybe my new skills will open new doors back home, or at least break some more windows. I don't know.

That's the main thing right now.

If I leave here, I don't know.

There is comfort in knowing, if we recognize we are inherently scared of the unknown. By leaving for Christmas, I am leaving my comfort zone here at the university; I am heading deep into a world that I no longer feel I can be productive in.

In any case, my goal is to make Christmas break as healthy as possible--it's imperative that it is actually a break. In this sense, I would like to not work.

But what do I do for a month?

That is a preposterously long time.

I'm not saying I don't want the break; I do. I'm just scared that I'm going to lose a month, and that's time I'm never going to get back.

Is it bad to be 19 and worried about losing a month of my life?

I know that in a month I can do a lot; I can learn a lot; I can make a difference.

Is it bad that I value my time?

I'm not really sure.

But I do know that Christmas break is at least an opportunity to relax--whether I use it to do so or not.

Hmm.