The Story So Far

The problem with escalation is that it makes you take previous accomplishments for granted. My peers in the PhD program have achieved the same things I have; while our individual stories have differences in detail, our baseline experiences, accomplishments and sensibilities are much the same. This tends to make one less appreciate their own achievements, because it appears everyone else has done the same shit.

Had I taken a job in Houston, I suppose I would be in a similar situation: one where the entry requirements are high enough to make me nothing special. But I feel like moving 1300 miles northeast is more of a reboot than taking Highway 6 over to Houston, buying a 2014 Chevy truck, and renting a shitty apartment.

I may have been things down south but they have been left behind; today I am just another grad student from a far away land. The novelty is exciting. My concern is that I have devalued what I used to consider important in order to chase notoriety, money and power.

The question is, what do I consider important? What exactly have I devalued, at least for the time being?

• Family
• Friends
• Hobbies

I still talk to my family and friends, thanks to technology. What I can’t do is talk to them in person. My hobbies are mostly intact, with the exception of my absent, once-perennial companion, a 1989 Nissan. Now it’ll sit and rot until I have the space for it up here. So I’m missing face-to-face interaction with my closest friends and family… and my car. That doesn’t seem too bad when I put it that way, especially considering I am not required to be here forever.

What am I getting in return?

An education. Or more accurately, an escalation of my education. I’m already highly educated relative to the other seven billion people on the planet. So I’m getting more, just to rub it in their faces. Apparently.

But I’m not pursuing an advanced degree for money, power or notoriety. I’m pursuing it because it’s the next step of my development. I didn’t agonize over the implications of learning to read when I did so in kindergarten; I now don’t agonize over the implications of staying in school.

I hate feeling this way. How is what I currently am not good enough? At what point did I decide I wasn’t in charge of my own future and that I must continue on, checking perceived requirements off of my to-do list?

I don’t know. But I’m here now, and fuck it, let’s see what happens next.